The Die is Cast

Things have developed since I last wrote - my supervisor and I are both retiring in 2014, which will be interesting as we are the only two permanent employees at the location. They've got to replace us both. She's leaving in May and I'll be covering for her until I leave in October, so who will be under the greater pressure to stay on, I wonder. They'll be begging. They've begged before and I've caved in. But I can't this time, the die is cast. I'll be getting my first social security check in July. It's a done deal.

I won't get my pension for another 3 years. But I just can't face 3 more years of doing someone else's work instead of my own. I have a writing contract right now. This is my last big chance to do my own work. On my deathbed I won't be thinking, gee, glad I spent my precious life chasing material security! I'll be thinking (in part anyway) so glad I finally made time to use my God given talents.

There is something spookily irrevocable about severing the ties with the working world. It has always represented security and, yes, belonging. Never mind that I spent most of my working life obsessed with the desire to quit.

And, as a sort of grand flourish to my working life, from May to September I'll be working a full time schedule with my own staff and 17 public events to conceive, arrange and host. Yikes. I won't have to worry about ambivalence when the time comes to leave. 

Right now I'm drowning in lists. The estate planning list. The prep for full time work list. The prep for retirement list. The Mom list. The Husband list. The Writing Projects list. The House list. The Health list. Everything has a big red May deadline, which is when my personal life comes to a grinding halt for 5 months. I don't know how anyone works a full time job and still has time for creative work, exercise, shopping for and preparing healthy meals, reading and family.