Why I stopped blogging

A great many things happened since my last post, which can hardly be a surprise since it's been nearly two and one half years since I gave up this endeavor in favor of blathering into my journal. 

Why did I stop blogging? Mainly because I felt there was nothing I wanted to say in public. Possibly this inhibition is due to the fact that the Internet is something like the Akashic Records; everything here is recorded for all eternity, except it is subject to human instead of divine control, and, unlike the Akashic Records, can be viewed by anyone regardless of their spiritual maturity. Of course I don't know if the Akashic Records are fact or fantasy, but the analogy works. Cyberspace is not beneficent by nature. Evil lurks therein. Do I want to venture further into this realm, especially when I may not have anything significant to contribute?


Also, I was hit by a tsunami of grief as first my mother and then my husband passed away, both in the last 12 months. Neither loss was a surprise. But you can never actually prepare for grief. You just know its coming, and then it's all over you and you can't stand up anymore.

There are so many changes coming at me from all directions now. I'm struggling to find the right tools with which to stay on top of this new set of demands -confused about how to keep my schedule, lists and plans organized, now that everything has blown up in my face. It's as though I'm trying to see things 15 different ways at once (by month, week, day, hour, sideways, vertically, by project, category, priority, phase of the moon, etc.) Or trying to do many more things than are actually possible. Trying to fit this all into an electronic device or a notebook or calendar is simply futile, especially because I change my mind about where to live and what to do almost by the minute. I need to change the way I think first, to stop tumbling in surf of grief.

But it's like losing weight. I still need to eat. I still need a planner. Therein lies my trouble. I don't see the value to doing planner reviews given the fact that I already know that there is no planner that is going to show me life the way I want to see it. But I will say that I have migrated back into a ring bound system since I anticipate having to live out of it for some period of time next year when I move. It's easier to accept this big hunk of weight knowing it has a big job to do next year. Then I can go back to a simpler system, as my heart dictates.

I re-read this blog today wondering what on earth I'd written two years ago and now feel a little, well, stupid. I never developed half the practical ideas I'd had to start. 

But, truth be told, I'm on a manifesting journey now. Have no idea where I will be or what I'll be doing this time next year, but I know one thing for sure: It will largely be up to me. My choice. My decision. And maybe there will be some things I learn in this process that will be worth sharing.

So here goes with the blog one more time.

Goodbye, Mom

Goodbye, sweetheart. 

Santa Anas

The sound of running water woke me early. Thinking we left a hose on, I went outside in the grainy, dim light of early dawn to find Santa Ana winds rushing through the trees with a steady roar.  

These winds blow off the desert and always give me an edgy feeling. They're backwards winds, full of strange information, agitating the senses just beneath the surface of our awareness.

Even my cat was pensive

Couldn't find the source of those water sounds. Maybe the fridge. Maybe a hallucination.

Yesterday, during a rather stressful meeting, I went back on my agreement to cover for my supervisor after she retires in May. Obviously this threw all the plans (and supervisors) into a tizzy. It was a very hard thing to say after having agreed otherwise. Backing out of an agreement is so distasteful. 

But there is really little choice, since my husband's health issues have worsened in the past two months, and I need to be more available to help him. Priorities come very clear at certain times.

As I am working through September, it was easy to sidestep the retirement issue. It is now clear that I won't increase my hours, and that was the goal. (However I have this dour feeling that though the hours won't increase the workload will).

And...ta da...the second episode of my 'Old West Bad Romance' novella went straight into Whisperings Magazine without an edit! What I mean is this: I sent in a piece that did not require any further editorial work. In the midst of all this insanity, I managed to turn out a technically perfect 3600 word episode.

I love sunset

Have been staying current with my new jeweled pen, too. 

My $3 wonder pen

Being organized and keeping a diary and lists, whether with stylus or jeweled pen, is not an option for me. This has been hammered home repeatedly over the past few years. I end up using paper because it is so easy to jot a note and check my schedule. But I tuck my iphone in the back of my planner and use it for everything else: reminders, directions, checking email. The two work very well together.

The Die is Cast

Things have developed since I last wrote - my supervisor and I are both retiring in 2014, which will be interesting as we are the only two permanent employees at the location. They've got to replace us both. She's leaving in May and I'll be covering for her until I leave in October, so who will be under the greater pressure to stay on, I wonder. They'll be begging. They've begged before and I've caved in. But I can't this time, the die is cast. I'll be getting my first social security check in July. It's a done deal.

I won't get my pension for another 3 years. But I just can't face 3 more years of doing someone else's work instead of my own. I have a writing contract right now. This is my last big chance to do my own work. On my deathbed I won't be thinking, gee, glad I spent my precious life chasing material security! I'll be thinking (in part anyway) so glad I finally made time to use my God given talents.

There is something spookily irrevocable about severing the ties with the working world. It has always represented security and, yes, belonging. Never mind that I spent most of my working life obsessed with the desire to quit.

And, as a sort of grand flourish to my working life, from May to September I'll be working a full time schedule with my own staff and 17 public events to conceive, arrange and host. Yikes. I won't have to worry about ambivalence when the time comes to leave. 

Right now I'm drowning in lists. The estate planning list. The prep for full time work list. The prep for retirement list. The Mom list. The Husband list. The Writing Projects list. The House list. The Health list. Everything has a big red May deadline, which is when my personal life comes to a grinding halt for 5 months. I don't know how anyone works a full time job and still has time for creative work, exercise, shopping for and preparing healthy meals, reading and family.  

Butterfly Kisses

Knowing you are going to retire in a reasonably short period of time is a life energizer par none. Yesterday I realized that I am taking home in pay precisely what I would get in social security payments when I become eligible in a few months, and this made me ask myself why I am working at all. I really can't come up with a good answer....

All this pondering actually pushed me out the door for a morning walk.

It's good to see the sun come up. I used to watch it rise almost every day. Am so tired of rushing from pillar to post, trying to juggle a million things. The idea of setting down a full half of that load is intoxicating. Wow.

Yesterday I bought a new planner. 

I know, I know. All that razz ma razz about the Knapp Family Organizer and the adjunct binder that I started up a few weeks ago. The Knapp is a great design but I can't manage two books. I've just wanted to get away from ring binders for a long, long time, and find the dream of a simple life to be so very seductive. But I have projects. And lists. And data. And need a place to carry letters and bandaids.  

Nevertheless, I wasn't shopping for a new planner when I bought this one. My intention had been to find a ring binder for another, non calendar purpose (a prayer journal actually), but I stumbled across this planner in Staples and it set me off on a whole new tangent. 

It is a classic sized (8.5" x 5.5") ring binder with undated weekly pages, the entire design titled "Harmony." There was a slightly disharmonious silver nameplate on the front that was stamped "Day Runner." Didn't want to remove it as that would doubtless scar the fabric cover. So I put a sticker over it. Unfortunately the only one that fit reads "Butterfly Kisses." So it seems my planner has a rather unique name now. But it is featherlight despite its size, fits nicely in my bag, and meets a number of other important parameters, so I'm all moved in and ready to live my life out of this book.

Here's a link to someone who has fantastic ideas for setting up and using planners: www.giftieetcetera.blogspot.com

I have wanted to follow her system for a few months now but the small size she uses was too small for me. This larger size, however, is going to suit me very well. I'm looking forward to giving her method a spin.

I had to set it in this hutch to get a fair representation of its color and still it's not spot on.

There are 1.25" rings, a secretarial pocket and card slots. I've got a flyleaf and some dollar store note pages I've punched to keep shopping and errand lists up front.

I love the design of these inserts. I don't use the timed spaces on the day slots. I just list my to-dos here.

The divider tabs are gorgeous, too. However, the undated months included were not tabbed, so I replaced them with a set of tabbed months from Wal-Mart. They are my favorite tabbed months so I'm happy to have a chance to use them.

All the divider inserts are gorgeous (To-Do, Notes, Information, Address), but I was happy to see a full set of alpha tabs in this design, too. I keep my notes organized behind these.

I've made an informal agreement with a co-worker to cover for her when she retires later this year, so I guess I'll be waiting until 2015 to take the big step myself. That will give me time to prepare, and perhaps take things a bit lighter in the meantime. Sweet anticipation, and all that. Likely will be better than actually being retired!

In fact it's a sweet day in many respects. Birds singing, cotton ball cumulus dotting the blue sky. Completely and totally unnatural for January, let's not lose sight of that. But  still, lovely. And life has settled down temporarily so it's time to take full advantage of that lull to rest. 

War's Over

I've been done with my challenge for a week now. So much for accountability. Well, I wasn't perfect, but my slip-ups were few and far between. I am back to my pre-binge weight, but sorry to report that it's not one whit easier to forego non-food goodies. I've had soda today, in fact, and one third of a candy bar that I scrounged from my mother's secret stash now that she's housesitting for my brother. So I'm going to dump out all the soda and buy myself some 60% dark chocolate to stick in the fridge for emergencies.

But I'm not even that concerned about health and diet and all that because something wonderful has happened! I've set my retirement date! In sixteen short months and possibly much sooner, depending on events yet to come, I will be done with the commute, the benchmarks, the time sheets, the annual evaluations, the endless exhortations to do more, more and more still.

Knowing that this is so, I am starting to relax already. I feel the letting go in every cell. And I still have two more days off work. 

It's War

I haven't been posting much because there's been nothing really exciting to write about. Until now. Now I'm going to war. 

Here's another ruddy sunset. I'm getting sick of them. Why do I photograph nothing but sunsets and food? And planners? But I digress. 

For the next two weeks I am going to war against my compulsions. I am going to eliminate three things from my diet:  Alcohol, candy in any form, and sodas. Brilliant! What moron would have all that in their diet to begin with? Well, this one. Ever since I read in "Wheat Belly" that a Snickers bar has a lower glycemic index than 2 slices of whole wheat toast, something in my psyche snapped, and it has been open season on Snickers ever since. And let's not even discuss beverages. I've been pouring Baileys in my coffee, rum in my coke and sipping wine with dinner. Holy Cow. And of course it's been Happy Holidays, so we've had See's Candy and pies and cookies and ice cream too. 

Well of course every symptom of every health problem I've got was robustly re-energized over the past few weeks, plus I gained back 2 of the 13 pounds I labored so hard to lose last year. That's enough backsliding for me. I keep thinking 3 weeks of abstinence would be best, but late last night while tossing and turning fitfully in my feverish bed it seemed like 2 would be less daunting.  

Am sure that after I've done without for 2 or 3 weeks I won't feel the urge to consume any of those (non) foods again, at least in any non-resistible way, except perhaps a glass of wine with dinner now and then, which had been my norm.

In the interests of accountability I shall report my progress on this blog. It will encourage me to post more frequently and to take photographs of hopefully interesting things. 

Tracking and Planning in 2014

Ah, procrastination. I'd certainly rather write this blog entry than work on the next episode in the serial I'm writing about a Old West Bad Romance. Must submit a thousand words in less than a week (thought I had more time; there goes vacation). The tough part is that I'm just not in writing mode. I'm in housewife mode. Made 16 quarts of beef stock the other day (just before cooking Christmas dinner) and have been polishing surfaces and doing laundry this morning. ANYTHING to avoid writing.

And now this post, which is an excellent distraction. It really is kind of important to get my tracking and planning system for 2014 all set up. Isn't it?

This year I have abjured all expensive Filofaxes and Franklin Covey binders and binder inserts. Instead, I'll be using the Amy Knapp's Family Organizer found at my local Barnes and Noble and also Martha Stewart's vertical weekly inserts, with 12 monthly pages from Day Timers. Martha Stewart's calendar does have monthly pages but they are embedded in the weeks and not tabbed. I needed the Day Timer months with their fronts and backs for goals and plans, so bought them separately.

These together will serve as my tracking and planning system for 2014. I've put the Martha Stewart weeks, the Day Timer months and some loose pages at the front in a small 3 ring binder from Staples (slipped some scrapbook paper in the view pockets for decoration). The loose pages are for my goals and project lists. The Knapp goes in my bag, the binder stays on my desk.

Why this particular system? I find the vertical weeks in the Martha Stewart planner best for accurately planning how much activity can be fit into a finite week. I block off my work hours with Washi tape which helps me see how much time is left for my other projects.

Martha Stewart Vertical Weekly Pages - I track exercise & meditation in those boxes at the bottom

Here's how it all flows. Throughout the week I am writing items onto the shopping list and weekly to be done list in the Knapp, which is with me all the time. 

Amy Knapp's Family Organizer (my personal tabs!)

But at the weekly review, I go to my goals and project lists and pick out the next steps. Those go onto the Knapp weekly list, too. At this point I turn to the vertical weekly pages and spread my weekly list over the day blocks to see if there are too many activities and tasks for the available time, in which case I cut some. Then I write a brief final plan into the Knapp weekly calendar boxes and go to the next step, menu planning. I love how the Knapp meal plan lines up with the weekly calendar so it is easy to see when to adjust your plans for family activities. When the meal plan is done it's easy to add the ingredients to the shopping list.

The vertical weekly pages in the Martha Stewart calendar have two boxes at the bottom. I use the top one to track walking/cycling and the bottom one meditation. Creating these daily habits is one of my goals for 2014.  

Adding major goals to the weekly list keeps me from foundering in minutia. I like cooking but in the larger picture publishing my first three part fiction serial means considerably more!