Why did I stop blogging? Mainly because I felt there was nothing I wanted to say in public. Possibly this inhibition is due to the fact that the Internet is something like the Akashic Records; everything here is recorded for all eternity, except it is subject to human instead of divine control, and, unlike the Akashic Records, can be viewed by anyone regardless of their spiritual maturity. Of course I don't know if the Akashic Records are fact or fantasy, but the analogy works. Cyberspace is not beneficent by nature. Evil lurks therein. Do I want to venture further into this realm, especially when I may not have anything significant to contribute?
Also, I was hit by a tsunami of grief as first my mother and then my husband passed away, both in the last 12 months. Neither loss was a surprise. But you can never actually prepare for grief. You just know its coming, and then it's all over you and you can't stand up anymore.
There are so many changes coming at me from all directions now. I'm struggling to find the right tools with which to stay on top of this new set of demands -confused about how to keep my schedule, lists and plans organized, now that everything has blown up in my face. It's as though I'm trying to see things 15 different ways at once (by month, week, day, hour, sideways, vertically, by project, category, priority, phase of the moon, etc.) Or trying to do many more things than are actually possible. Trying to fit this all into an electronic device or a notebook or calendar is simply futile, especially because I change my mind about where to live and what to do almost by the minute. I need to change the way I think first, to stop tumbling in surf of grief.
But it's like losing weight. I still need to eat. I still need a planner. Therein lies my trouble. I don't see the value to doing planner reviews given the fact that I already know that there is no planner that is going to show me life the way I want to see it. But I will say that I have migrated back into a ring bound system since I anticipate having to live out of it for some period of time next year when I move. It's easier to accept this big hunk of weight knowing it has a big job to do next year. Then I can go back to a simpler system, as my heart dictates.
But, truth be told, I'm on a manifesting journey now. Have no idea where I will be or what I'll be doing this time next year, but I know one thing for sure: It will largely be up to me. My choice. My decision. And maybe there will be some things I learn in this process that will be worth sharing.
So here goes with the blog one more time.
Goodbye, Mom
Goodbye, sweetheart.
